This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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