When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
