No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
