Your face is a jimmy john
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
