Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
where are my eyebrows?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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