The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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