I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize