He uses pillows to masturbate.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
