My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
