My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
