There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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