After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
