I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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