my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
