I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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