It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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