my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
