I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
