You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
