I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i will never coherently bang her
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
