I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
