On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
