who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
