He disabled his match.com account in front of me
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
