Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
