I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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