I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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