I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
