This is not my ceiling
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
40s are totally the cure
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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