Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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