If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
