while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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