Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
my sisters under your porch take her home
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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