my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
