They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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