her facebook's as public as her vagina
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I touched a dick in church today
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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