I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
