my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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