areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
