My cat gives me a boner
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
