well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
