so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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