so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
