A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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