I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
