I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
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