stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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