my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
