the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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