I don't have enough holes for all these australians
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize