I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Randomize
