Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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