laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just blew my weed a kiss
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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