I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
