It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You made out with two different species that night
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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