I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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