why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
