i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
