Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
