I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
