just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
